"How am I supposed to know how to do this? No one has ever taught me this stuff! I'm tired of being the one who has to have the answers! ...
"It was a moment in time when I came to grips with my mothering inadequacies. It stands as a monument in my days, reminding me of how I began to see what I don't have, what I can't do as a mother. This moment in the basement brought me face-to-face with some deeper crevice in my being. A gap. A wound, perhaps. It was empty where it should have been filled. A soul hole.
"...As unsettling as it was to experience that emptiness, I now know that it was good for me. In fact, now that I've identified their shape, I find 'soul holes' often in my life.
'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.' In Matthew 5:3 Jesus spoke to the crowd... The word He chose for poor actually means poverty-stricken, bankrupt, with nothing left in the house.
"Why did He choose these words? Because until we understand our neediness, we can't experience fulfillment. As long as we think we can handle it all, we will. Until we understand what we can't do, we won't have a clue what God can do.
"Inadequacies show us our need. And when we experience our need and then bring it to God, He can meet it. And when He meets it, we can be whole. Soul whole."
That was soothing balm for my soul! I know this stuff, and it may seem really basic to some people, but it just came to life a little more for me today—that God wants me to recognize that I need Him. That's OK with Him—He's not burdened by me coming to Him. He WANTS to help me! Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey as a mother... like Elisa wrote, I often think, "How am I supposed to know all this? I'm tired of being the one who's supposed to have all the answers." I pull back from people around me for fear of either burdening them with my concerns or looking like an idiot for something I "should" instinctively know. I can even feel like avoiding God—like I'm asking for too much, or complaining too much—which makes no sense, because God WANTS His kids to come to Him and lean on Him!
So my new favorite verse is Matthew 5:3... As the NLT puts it, "God blesses those who realize their need for Him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them." Oh, Lord, how I need You!!